Begin Again

Life is about beginnings and endings. My life as a married person has come to an end and my time as a single person has begun again.

I was not expecting this ending or beginning again in my life, but sometimes a curve-ball comes your way and you have to take your swing. It is not important to share the details of the breakup here. All that it comes down to is the fact that I’m alone again.┬áThis last month has been a hard time for me, but I’m managing. I have family and friends to thank for being good, sympathetic listeners when I needed it, coaches when I stumbled and cheerleaders when I needed uplifting. I know they will continue to be there as I move forward with this new chapter in my life.

I’m using the lessons learned from being sick to move forward now. I’m taking one day at a time and concentrating on the things I have control over. I’m breaking down tasks into smaller bits and being satisfied with my progress no matter how slow it’s going. I also make myself okay with the things that have not changed, nor will change in the near future. Making plans to change things are good enough now. As long as I’m moving forward, I’m still moving.

It’s too soon to think about my future with somebody, or not. Of course I have. It’s hard to think about being single, 46 and “broken”. I say broken because of my colostomy. I know I’m not really broken, but I’m not normal either. If I do meet somebody, how does something like that come up? How do I tactfully bring it up in conversation? Do I do it early before I’m too emotionally invested that it won’t hurt if I am rejected because of it, or do I wait until I’m really comfortable with somebody to have a frank discussion about it?

These are questions that are too soon to think about, but I am. How could I not?

For now, though, I am embracing being single again. There are so many things I want to do with the house and try creatively. I’ve started making rings out of coins. I didn’t know how easily it could be done with basic tools. All that is needed is patience and time. Right now I have an abundance of both. There are other projects I want to concentrate on when I have enough money to get the tools needed to make them. I’ve been very interested in building my own weight driven mechanical clock. Making the gears out of wood and designing my own clockworks seems really fascinating to me.

Of course I have my bike and plan to ride it often. I need to get back in shape as I have let myself go. A combination of stress and bad decisions need to be turned around. Hopefully I can do that and make the life long changes I need to make to continue to be healthful. I’ve started with small changes. I’ve stopped drinking soda on a regular basis. I don’t miss it at all, except sometimes. I’m managing. Small steps.

Right now I’m in the middle of a purge. Danielle moved out and now I’m getting rid of so many things that have been weighing me down. When I’m done the house will be simple, clean, and uncluttered. Hopefully my life will reflect those attributes as well.

It’s been a hard month, but now I’m making changes; and that’s a good thing.

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