Apr
2012

Anticipation

It’s 11:45pm, Monday night.  I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow at 3pm.  I had my PET scan last Tuesday and I’ll get the results tomorrow.  This week has been an exercise in anxiety.  My day at work ended today with a headache.  Things started out okay, but a couple of issues at the end of my day just went right to my head.  Normally things at work roll off my back pretty easily.  This week I’ve been a little on edge.

It’s not like there is anything I can do at this point.  I’ve done all I can for the past three months to reduce my risk of cancer returning.  I continue to take the medication the doctor has prescribed for me.  I’ve also been actively losing weight to be more healthful.  One of the best things I can do to battle cancer while in remission is to lose the weight I’ve been carrying around for the last 20 years, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

Aside from that I’ve been keeping myself occupied.  After work, Danielle and I went out for sushi and then the bookstore.  Now I’m writing this, listening to Brian Setzer, building a virtual machine on my computer, re-rendering some video and holding the cat (she insists).  The rest of the week I’ve been building programs, reading, diving  into work, anything to really keep my mind going.

I usually think too much when I’m trying to sleep.  I’ve been tending to stay up longer this past week so that when I hit the pillow I’m out pretty quick.  It was not something I was consciously doing, but these are the little mind games we play on ourselves.

So I’m not sure what I’ll hear tomorrow, but I’m optimistic.  There is that little bit of doubt that just can’t help but creep into my psyche that just likes to push glass half empty, doomsday scenarios.  I do my best to keep it at bay.  At this point It’s out of my hands.  I know I’ve done all I can do to remain cancer free.

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